The Travelers' Return

I've been house-and-farm sitting for some old friends since the end of June.  Last Thursday night marked their final return after two months of kicking around mostly northern Europe and the British Isles, and another month lazing on the beach in Mazatlan.  They had a brief stopover here for a couple of days between the two excursions.

I've spent 90 days alone throughout all this.  I didn't exactly go stir crazy.  The down time was much needed, having just left 13 years spent on the east side of SF Bay, thirteen years which became increasingly difficult and disillusioning as time went by.  It wasn't all doom and gloom; there were good times too.  Just fewer good times than I'd hoped for. 

What that time really did for me was solidify me.  That wasn't my intent when I went down there, quite the contrary.  This won't make sense to anyone, but my hope was that my stay would dissolve certain aspects of my character.  But that didn't happen.  Instead, my character gradually became more distinct and more clearly defined.

That definition appears to happen through the process of working with others.  Sometimes the friction of working with others will knock off your rough edges, and I suppose that happened to me to some extent.  The alternative is working through opposition with others.  This opposition may be external or it may be internal and never expressed openly.  For me, sometimes it was the former; more often than not, it was the latter.  

Either way, what happens with opposition -- if you meet it head-on -- is that it solidifies who you are inside.  Standing up for yourself solidifies your character.  

After many years of experiencing this both in my professional life and through extensive volunteer work, it was apparent that my growth wasn't happening in any spiritual, immaterial realm, but in my ego, in my personality. That wasn't what I wanted or intended but that's what happened.  You take energy in and that nutrition allows you to grow in whatever way is most natural to you.  I also gave a lot and this point is crucial: it's all an exchange, a circular flow of energy, or no growth happens at all.  You have to give as well as receive. 

I have no problem with giving; in fact, I actually had to learn how to give less.  Some people or institutions will gladly bleed you dry.  You get taken for granted.  If you have a strong sense of self-worth, you won't allow that to happen. When the balance of the equation is askew, it's time for a corrective.  My "corrective" was to move a thousand miles away.  There were no heartfelt goodbyes.

Now I'm in a new phase.  I have a book to write.  I'm just getting the building blocks in place in order to do that: a place to live, a job to support it.  Next is putting in the time and research, to make notes to flesh out my ideas.  I won't be posting about the subject matter online.  Why?  Because I've learned not to trust anybody.  You too, dear reader, whomever you might be.  Don't steal my ideas.  Have a little faith in your own originality.

To some extent, I leave a piece of my heart behind in California.  But I've done all this before -- I've had to walk away from people and places I care about -- I will survive.  And flourish.  Why?  Because I choose to.